Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail 2020

from Earnest Games

The following is one of the “interludes” from my new book Earnest Games, which is now available from Amazon.

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This is the most important election of our lifetime. I realize we said that at the last election, and the election before that, and the election before that, and we will likely say it at the next election, and the election after that, and the election after that—but this time we really mean it! The freedoms we cherish are under attack! Our very way of life is at stake! Democracy itself hangs in the balance!

Just kidding, of course. We don’t have democracy in this country. Never did, really. Even you rubes who make up the 99% know that. We have an electoral circus that comes to town once every four years so that you can pretend to have a say in how you are governed. Well, I hate to break the news to you, but we don’t actually want the input of the hoi polloi. Instead, we are pleased to provide you peasants with the illusion of choice. Politics in the exceptional nation consists merely of the periodic postulation of the eternal question: Coke or Pepsi? 

Now, obviously, I’m addressing myself to those of you who sympathize with Team Pepsi. I know you know, on some subconscious level, that both Coke and Pepsi will eventually kill you, but you are utterly disgusted by the taste of Coke and would never even consider drinking that swill. And yet, although you are dimly aware of the fact that Pepsi is also toxic and only slightly more palatable, you are sometimes so thirsty that you cannot resist guzzling it down. Well, this is one of those times. You’ve got to quaff the poison and you know it. So get ready to swallow, bitches! No spitting allowed!

And stop whining about all the things you want—universal healthcare, universal basic income, legalization of drugs, demilitarization of the police, a jobs program, a climate change initiative, an end to foreign wars, a genuine social safety net, a dismantling of the prison industrial complex, and on and on and on. So many fucking demands! They are nothing but pipe dreams and fairy dust! Do you want a pony too? How about a unicorn? Why must you think only of yourselves and your own puny little desires? What about my billionaire donors, who have decided that I should be president? Have you ever thought about their feelings, you childish, self-centered jerkoffs?

Now is not the time for aspirations. We need all hands on deck to stop the Bogeyman. If you will just help Team Pepsi regain power, we’ll try to prioritize your agenda next time around. You must be patient. Wait another four or eight years. Wait until the next generation. Wait until the next century. Wait until the world is literally on fire and it’s too late. Then we’ll wring our hands and pretend that we tried our best. At least we will talk pretty and restore dignity to the office that Team Coke’s leader has disgraced. Remember how good the good old days were, when our team’s war criminals were in charge?

Malcolm X once said that if you want people to run to the fox, you have to show them the wolf. In case you’re too stupid to understand the analogy, the incumbent is the wolf and I’m the fox. He’s hungry like the wolf, and I’m crazy like a fox. Do you want to be eaten by a wolf? Of course not! Therefore, you must throw your lot in with the fox. So let me guard the henhouse, you ridiculous ingrates! And don’t call me the boy who cried wolf!

Look, I know I’m not your first choice. I won’t even let you think I’ll pretend to compromise or lean your way on any of the issues you favor. Everybody knows I’m a racist, sexist, warmongering piece of shit, and I won’t even try to deny it. But have you seen the other guy? He’s worse, much worse. He’s done and said more racist and more sexist and . . . well, we’re pretty equal when it comes to warmongering, but that’s not really the point, is it? The point is that you need to get on board the Train to Nowhere. Choo choo! 

And I want you to understand that I’m not a jealous candidate. I won’t hold it against you if you had other candidates before me. I forgive you because you knew not what you did. But now it’s time to move forward. We must all come together for the good of the team and the country. Fall in love in the primary, fall in line in the general! (My staff assures me that snappy little slogans like that will have a powerful psychological effect on you simpletons.)