The following “game” is an excerpt from my book Earnest Games, the e-book version of which will be FREE on Amazon from Wednesday, May 31, through Sunday, June 4. Download your copy today and please remember to rate and review the book on Amazon, Goodreads, and BookBub. Thanks, as always, for your support.
TRIGGER WARNING: THE TITLE OF THIS NARRATIVE IS A PERFECTLY APT DESCRIPTION OF ITS CONTENTS.
Here beginneth, with much ado about nothing, the first part of the tale known as “A Tale of Two Blowjobs.”
Robert and Elaine had been cohabitating for about three months when they went to dinner at a cheap Italian restaurant in their neighborhood. Elaine ordered spaghetti with garlic bread and a glass of wine. Robert had a margherita pizza and a beer. During the meal, Elaine pretended to laugh at Robert’s jokes and Robert pretended to listen as Elaine complained about her boss.
After Robert paid the bill, the couple returned to their apartment. They sat down on the couch in the living room to watch TV, but Robert was feeling frisky and began to massage Elaine’s nipples. Elaine responded enthusiastically by unzipping Robert’s jeans. Robert suggested they retire to the bedroom and soon they were writhing around between the sheets in a state of undress.
Elaine began to fellate Robert as he lay on his back. She was not particularly skilled at this form of love-play, but Robert appreciated her efforts and encouraged her to continue attempting to pleasure him as he stroked her back and ran his hands through her hair.
As Elaine bobbed her head up and down, Robert closed his eyes and tried to imagine that it was actually Elaine’s sister Daphne whose mouth now encircled his manhood. He felt somewhat guilty about this, but he reminded himself that Daphne at least laughed at his jokes with what seemed to be genuine amusement. He noticed that the thought of Daphne made him much harder than he would have been otherwise.
Presently Robert felt a strange, distinctly unsexual sensation in the area of his groin.
“What’s going on down there?” he asked.
Elaine was giggling nervously.
Robert knew he had not climaxed. He thus could not understand why a thick, viscous substance seemed to be dripping down his perineum.
“Don’t be mad,” said Elaine. Her giggling had ceased.
“What do you mean?” demanded Robert as he sat up in bed and looked at his genitalia. They were covered with spaghetti strands, tomato sauce, chunks of beef, and other bits of undigested food. “What the fuck?” he shouted.
Elaine was now in tears. “I said don’t be mad,” she wailed.
Robert leapt from the bed and ran to the shower. There he cleaned himself while continuing to curse.
Elaine stripped the vomit-stained sheets off the bed, then entered the bathroom to wash out her mouth. “Are you OK?” she asked somewhat timidly.
“Yeah,” said Robert. “I feel fantastic. Just let me finish picking the pasta out of my pubes.”
“I’m sorry,” said Elaine. “I think it was a gag reflex.”
“Oh, well, I guess I should be proud,” said Robert. “Who knew I was such a well-endowed stud? Maybe I can appear in the next sequel to Deep Throat.”
“Please don’t make jokes.”
“You’re right. This is not funny at all.”
“Are you angry?”
“Of course not. How could I be angry?”
“Don’t be sarcastic, OK?”
“Sure thing.”
“This is very embarrassing for me.”
“I imagine so.”
“You’re not going to tell anybody, are you?”
“Is that really your primary concern?”
“Please please please please don’t ever say anything about this to anyone, OK?”
“Mum’s the word, my dear.”
About a week later, Robert attended an open mic comedy event and, feeling inspired, he walked onstage and told a story he called “The Time My Girlfriend Puked on My Dick.” His delivery was a bit rough and rambling, but the response from the audience was overwhelmingly positive. Robert then polished his story into a five-minute bit which featured the punchline: “And so there I was picking the pasta out of my pubes!” He incorporated the bit into a set which included other fictionalized anecdotes about his dysfunctional relationship with Elaine. Soon he was a regular performer at several nightclubs in the area.
Feeling hurt and betrayed, Elaine moved out of the apartment and began seeing a man named Bart. She complained bitterly to Bart about how Robert was exploiting their defunct relationship in his act, although she admitted that Robert never mentioned her by name. Elaine and Bart then went to see Robert perform at a venue called Laughter in the Dark. Bart began to heckle Robert when he launched into his favorite bit, which was now called “The Time My Ex Puked on My Dick.” After some back and forth, Robert insulted Bart in a manner which caused the audience to laugh with unrestrained hilarity at Bart’s expense. Fuming, Elaine’s new boyfriend rushed the stage, tackled Robert, and punched him in the mouth several times. Before a bouncer intervened and ejected Bart from the premises, Robert had lost his two front teeth.
Somebody filmed the altercation with a phone cam and uploaded the video to YouTube. Within a week, it had over 1,000,000 views, and Robert’s social media profile was raised significantly. A month later, Robert received an offer from a streaming service to do an hour-long special. Called Toothless Grin, the special was a success with both fans and critics. Robert then went out on tour, where he was eventually joined by Elaine’s sister Daphne. In the meantime, Bart broke up with Elaine after it became clear that she would never go down on him.
Here endeth, with great fanfare, the first part of the tale known as “A Tale of Two Blowjobs.”
PAUSE BRIEFLY FOR SILENT MEDITATION. AFTER THE FEELING OF BESMIRCHMENT HAS PASSED, PREPARE TO BE BESMIRCHED ALL OVER AGAIN. THEN CONTINUE READING WITH EXTREME CAUTION AND CARE.
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